The Basement Burrow
Monday, December 22, 2003
 
Bad Pun Time

A guy went insane and thought he was a bird. He tried to prove he was a bird to the men in white coats by sitting on a bird's nest. The branch broke. Moral, blessed is he who does not sit in the seat of mockers.
 
F'ni to 25!

There is an abundance of f'ni articles here today.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
 
Saddam Nabbed!

Clickie for Rantburg article.

Tell me agehn about the quagmire.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
 
Bad Pun Time

I know some people who detest Garfield; in fact, they find it quite Odie-ous.
 
Blogger Blues

For some reason, Blogger won't let me update my description. It claims to save the changes, but it doesn't.

EDIT: Wait, I think it did after all!
 
New f'ni blog!

ROTFLMGMO!
Friday, December 12, 2003
 
Bad Pun Time

Is the duck that uses tents the canvaback?
Thursday, December 11, 2003
 
A brilliant satire

By iowahawk. Hat tip LGF and Rantburg

WHY DO THEY HATE US, DUDE?

By Keanu Burge
LFG Guest Commentary from the ESU Daily State Budget Appropriation


The pathetic attendance at Saturday’s Primal Scream for Global Sanity at the Quad proved that many in the ESU student community remain woefully ignorant of real world issues. Many on campus seem completely uninterested in stopping America’s bombing lunacy, even for free veggie wraps and extra-credit points in Dr. Harmon’s sections of Critical History 1042.

Let me clue you in, Mister “sorry dude, I can’t rage against the AmeriKKKan war machine, I got tickets for the Springfield State game,” it’s time we start asking the difficult questions. Questions like, “isn’t this all about oil?” and “who bogarted all my Kasha flakes?” (I know it was you, Jason.) But most of all, we must ask why America is hated around the world.

Why do they hate us? Well, duhhhhhhh.

They hate us because of our arrogance. All around the world, “Ugly Americans” are despised for their arrogant condescension, always acting like they are somehow “better” than other cultures. We in the peace community are always trying to patiently explain this to other Americans, but apparently they are too stupid to understand.

They hate us because of our paternalism. For much of the developing world, America is a despised father figure, an embarrassing bald 53-year old regional sales manager who “surprises” you during Parents’ Weekend while you’re completely toasted and listening to Radiohead at the dorm with the other developing nations, and then he’s all like, “how are classes going?” and “seeing any girls?” and “boy, I sure wish I was still in developing nation college!” and you’re like “shut up, Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of Sri Lanka.” That is totally uncool, man.

They hate us because of our foreign policy. Anyone who reads the New York Times can tell you that the international community is troubled by America’s dangerous isolationism, and also its interventionism. And I’m telling you, man - nothing irritates the international community more than our reclusive, meddlesome, negligent hegemony.

They hate us because we refuse to look at the issues. The issues facing us are important, and we must put them on the table, and then examine them. Then we must reassess these issues, but obviously not before we have discussed them. Just imagine all the peace we will have after we have thoroughly understood the issues through carefully investigative rethinking.

They hate us because of our obscene greedy culture. America consumes nearly 25 percent of the world’s resources, which it refuses to share with the developing world. This, again, is like the despised father figure who drives around in a new gas guzzling Dodge Durango, and when the developing world needs more resources, it’s all like, “what did you do with the last check I sent you?” like $300 is suppose to last an entire month. I mean, as if, Dad."

They hate us because of our intransigence. If we, as a nation, ever hope to be fully embraced by the international community, we must learn to compromise and be flexible. For instance, even though the so-called “terrorists” guys once wanted to kill all Americans, they now seem ready to live with five or six thousand. That means they’re offering something like 99.99 percent of what we originally wanted, which is a pretty good deal when you really think about it.

They hate us because of our cultural imperialism. Whether it is “Baywatch,” or gorditas, or indoor plumbing, America continues its shameful legacy of exporting our violent global corporate McCulture. And believe me, nothing offends the Afghanistanic people like religious xenophobia, sexism and homophobia.

They hate us because of our support of Israel. How many disco and pizza parlor bombings will it take before America wakes up and realizes that we are supporting the wrong people? Let’s face it. Israel has a long record of oppression, much like those Jewish guys at the Hillel House and A.E.Pi who are always busting the grade curve in Western Civ. I mean, come on, man. Maybe some of the rest of us want to get into law school, too.

They hate us because of our racism. So you still think Americans are tolerant? Tell that to my Egyptian-Syrian neighbor Abdullah. Since the tragedy on September 11, he has suffered dozens of hurtful stares and insensitive comments. He has been so upset over this he has almost abandoned his dream of owning his own crop-dusting business.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we want to know why we are hated, we need only take a good, long look in the mirror. Well, not me “we,” obviously. You know what I mean.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
 
Tell me aghen about the Religion of Peace™

Look at these team names.
Friday, December 05, 2003
 
"Wreck the Age"

To the tune of "Deck the Halls"

Wreck the Age of Trentasette, falalalala, lala, la, la!
'Tis time they saw they were baddies, falalalala, lala, la, la!
Never mind the fact that my son, falala, lalala, la, la, la!
Was friends with them especially One. Falalalala, lala, la, la!

Aitrus Junior's now a deity, falalalala, lala, la, la!
Time for the ceremony pretty, falalalala, lala, la, la!
Scuttled the Age; showed my power, falala, lalala, la, la, la!
And they failed me in that hour. Falalalala, lala, la, la!

Fast away that doomed Age passes, falalalala, lala, la, la!
Now with wrath Aitrus harasses, falalalala, lala, la, la!
Locked away he sealed himself in, falala, lalala, la, la, la!
But he still trapped me on Riven. Falalalala, lala, la, la!
 
Bad Pun Time

One of my sisters does not like puns. She thinks people who make too many belong in the punitentiary.
 
Sensible article and loud hyperbole

Sensible article.

Seething in response.

Hat tip LGF.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
 
Howard Dean bleeps up big time.

You have to read it to believe it.
 
Bad Pun Time

Since gruiform creatures are so birdbrained, why is it called a crane-ium?
 
I did not write this; I wish I knew who did. Hat tip Rantburg.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, AT ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I’D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW ON THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN’T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON’T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON’T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN’T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.
I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

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